Desiderata

"Desiderata"
-Max Ehrmann-

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

[LOVE IT]

it's the process that counts

Well, classes are turning out to be really good, just not in the right order... While I try to perfect my ever-changing schedule, my brain is being packed full of new info at a speed that I'm not too sure I'm comfortable with. I have finally been able to vocalize what is going wrong in my mind and I am open to suggestions from anyone who might have some.

University no longer appeals to me. Now don't get me wrong - education is still priority numero uno in my life, at least right now, but I am truly having trouble seeing the point of getting up at 730 every morning just so I can feel confused, anxious, or flat out bored in my classes. Nothing seems to have a point and I don't see where anything I learn will help me out in my future. And ironically, I'm in a lot of food science classes finally, but still nothing is sticking. It's all interesting, I guess, but for some reason, my outlook has changed.

If you knew me in my high school years, you wouldn't have known a day could come where I would rather see a movie than study to get an A on a test. I stayed home every night, unless I had a sports game, and studied. Studied, ate, and slept. That was high school Ellen. And I wanted to go to an Ivy League, Cornell, but obviously that didn't happen either, and by-golly I think I would be dead by now if it had. I'm out of gas and don't know how do fill up the think-tank.

Then I sat down with Shauna and sorted it all out. I finally weeded out all of the distractions and disguises and realized that the reason I am so unhappy is because I don't see where it's all headed. I've taken personality tests that say I am more goal-oriented and care about the final product. And that's how it's always been. I had everything planned out, all the i's dotted and the t's crossed in my career plans. And now, perhaps because of aging or traveling, I don't have a clue where I want to end up. I want to feed people, but how in the world is that going to happen? And then I realized something. Who cares? I don't care where I end up as long as I am happy along the way. Things will interest me, others will bore me. I need to stay happy and interested and think of life as a process and not a way to get to the finished project. There is no way that I can get through another semester, let alone 4, with the attitude that none of this information is of any use to me. It just won't work.

And just in case you were wondering, I have decided to start that novel finally. I'll fill you in as it progresses.

Peace.

Way to start off the semester

Well, I fail at school.

Being in CR completely ruined me and my educational/organizational skills. I did not sign up for two labs periods for this semester when I was registering for classes last semester in CR, which means I had to add an additional 5 hours of lab time to my already busy class schedule (18 credits) and now I have to be exempt from Park block, which I don't really like. I was a mess today, running all over the place, trying to enroll in the right labs; it was just not the right way to start off the semester. And I forgot a pen. The first day of classes and I don't bring a pen with me... AND I have a cold and it's not going away. How can I already have my annual sinus infection if I haven't even started school? What is going on?

The good news. I am in an online course: Dairy and Milk Products (bringing out my inner farm-girl) and I love it. I can do what I want, when I want, and the information that we go over looks really interesting. It basically focuses on the farm to table process for all dairy products, and our final project is picking a food and finding out exactly how it goes from farm to table. Should be great. My other classes look good so far. Chem 201 is tomorrow so that should be my scariest one I think. I hope not, but that's how it's looking. My stats "teacher" is a grad student and she is going to drive me Up The Walls if she says "so" or "uh" one more time. Step aerobics looks aerobtastic!

In 9 days, my maes Plinko and Guami are coming to visit me for the Labor Day holiday and I can't wait! I know I just saw them maybe a month ago, but now I'm in the south, they're in the south, it was just meant to be. I want to show them the apartment - small but great - and introduce them to my buddies. HIJUEPUTA MAES - QUE TAPIS SOMOS!

Freshmen

I just got back from a three day retreat in the mountains with the fresh batch of freshmen scholars. I am physically exhausted and have a gag-inducing bruise on my thigh that pulsates with each heartbeat. I never want to walk up a hill and am regretting leaving the corn fields and plains of Illinois to come back to the anything-but-flat south. And the bricks are going to be especially tricky.

But enough about complaining. I met some of the most amazing kids on this retreat. My fellow facilitators and I were equally impressed and content with the overall reactions between the new classmates. There of course were those who were super smart, some a little less considerate, and some that made me want to stop everything and join them in their endeavors sheep-herding in New Zealand. I hope that I "bonded" with a couple of them and really hope they take me up on my offer for coffee/dinner/chilling at the apartment but I guess I can't take it personally if they get too busy during their first year to come visit me. Hopefully I'll be seeing a bunch of them around campus because they are all so amazing in their own Parksy way.

I think that I learned something about myself as well and that's that I don't ever want to be loud. I know that's kind of a weird thing to learn at a retreat, but I really enjoy being reserved and witty and somewhat sarcastic. My height attracts enough attention and I don't need to be the center of attention during every conversation. I am an interesting-enough person to entertain those people who want to be entertained, but I don't need to go out of my way to make someone happy or laugh. I am perfectly content the way I am. It was hard to watch the newbies impress each other, and I hope they quickly learn that they are their own competitor. No one else cares. Only you care. You are your own worst enemy and it will only be you judging your every step.

Love ya 2012! KEEP ON JOURNALING!! (This blog site is free!)

It's about time

And finally a happy post...

I'm back at school, with friends and no family. I am living in an amazing apartment - clean and my own room! - and I will be going into the mountains for the rest of the week on a retreat with some of the incoming Parks. It should be great because now I'm an upperclassman, not worrying about making friends, etc. I'm the cool one. Haha. Or not.

My morale is high, flashing my pearly whites more, and I'm even considering wearing my watermelon-colored pants out! AND! My maes from TN are coming to visit me for Labor Day holiday and that makes me so happy I could almost explode.

Life is coming together again.

And the end note: I'm going to write a novel. It's been a thought kind of rolling around in my head for a while and I think it's finally time to set it into action. I have more than enough material as you, my faithful reader, can vouch for. My adventures deserve a book, and I think it would be a good project. Who knows if it will ever be published, but that's just it - WHO KNOWS?!

One more thing:

Never leave your house key on your key chain when you park valet. Your parents will be angry, threaten to change the locks, and make you feel really bad about your lack of street smarts. It might even make you cry when you think about it.

Do you now understand how badly I need to get out of here? Everyday, I tell my parents something else that makes them upset and in turn I feel like a complete failure at life. What happened to me being the poster child, the one that was always bragged about at every adult function? Everything I do these days is a let down. Since CR, I haven't been able to brag about much, and maybe my parents are just forgetting that I have a perfect GPA, full ride scholarship, saving them thousands upon thousands of dollars so they can redo their kitchen and take family trips to Ecuador. Maybe they just forgot about all of that. One thing is for sure... I need, need, need to get out of this house and back to school and get on with my own life. But first, I need to get a serious boost of endorphines because my self-esteem and general disposition has become borderline depressed.

Please make me smile.

Fortunately, things can only go up from here

On hearing some very upsetting news about my health, I realized that I may not be able to look at certain aspects of life the same. My standards of traveling will never be the same, nor will safety, health, men, risk-taking, the list goes on. I guess there are just some things in life that make you really evaluate where you are, how you got there, and how to get out. I hate saying that I regret doing something, but I think there's a first time for everything. It's just unfortunate it has to be now, but I'll be the first to say, I regret some of the decisions I made in the past six months. And now, they will stick with me for a very long time.

But on the bright side, things can only go up from here. In less than a week's time, I'll be with friends that I haven't seen in over 8 months; the ones who allowed me to find a side of myself that I am comfortable with. All of my friends rock.

Peace.

Consejos para la Vida

I have decided to take a little detour from the conventional journaling and post some of the life lessons that I have compiled for myself. The first bunch is from a quote on the front of a diary I own, and the rest are some of my original thoughts.

"live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is."
- mary anne radmacher

Consejos:
"Maybe you need to love somebody in order to find out who you are and why you love yourself." - M.V.V.H. Listen to the advice you give others and use it in your own life. Talk more; tell people your ideas - whoever will listen. Someone will be interested and someone will help you. Speak slowly and enunciate. Be strong and don't let people tell you what to do, and think for yourself no matter how cool / fun / interesting something may be. Be comfortable with your life. "If I die, maybe someone will remember me." (M.V.V.H) Don't push things or try to make something happen because everything will happen that is supposed to. Destiny! Find faith. Learn to meditate. Don't forget people's names. Brush your teeth.

What not to do:
Never live alone, Ellen you can't handle it. Don't die alone. Find a place or a person that makes you feel safe - don't be unnecessarily afraid of life. Stress kills. Don't watch too much TV and never believe it. Don't fall for cheap tricks because of "love" (ie Elsa on Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade). Believe the best in people, but don't be manipulated. Emphasis: It is so important to not push things. Don't try to make things happen if they are not supposed to or if it feels like nothing is going right. Forcing it won't make you feel better, nor will it improve the situation. This goes for careers and relationships. This is NOT saying that you shouldn't work had, because you should, just don't lie, etc to make things how you want them to be. DON'T LIE and don't do drugs unless you are willing to face the consequences. Never owe people money / Never get into debt / Never spend more than you make. Don't loan people money "out of the goodness of your heart" unless you are willing to never get a penny back.

That's all for now. More lessons when they hit me :)