Well, classes are turning out to be really good, just not in the right order... While I try to perfect my ever-changing schedule, my brain is being packed full of new info at a speed that I'm not too sure I'm comfortable with. I have finally been able to vocalize what is going wrong in my mind and I am open to suggestions from anyone who might have some.
University no longer appeals to me. Now don't get me wrong - education is still priority numero uno in my life, at least right now, but I am truly having trouble seeing the point of getting up at 730 every morning just so I can feel confused, anxious, or flat out bored in my classes. Nothing seems to have a point and I don't see where anything I learn will help me out in my future. And ironically, I'm in a lot of food science classes finally, but still nothing is sticking. It's all interesting, I guess, but for some reason, my outlook has changed.
If you knew me in my high school years, you wouldn't have known a day could come where I would rather see a movie than study to get an A on a test. I stayed home every night, unless I had a sports game, and studied. Studied, ate, and slept. That was high school Ellen. And I wanted to go to an Ivy League, Cornell, but obviously that didn't happen either, and by-golly I think I would be dead by now if it had. I'm out of gas and don't know how do fill up the think-tank.
Then I sat down with Shauna and sorted it all out. I finally weeded out all of the distractions and disguises and realized that the reason I am so unhappy is because I don't see where it's all headed. I've taken personality tests that say I am more goal-oriented and care about the final product. And that's how it's always been. I had everything planned out, all the i's dotted and the t's crossed in my career plans. And now, perhaps because of aging or traveling, I don't have a clue where I want to end up. I want to feed people, but how in the world is that going to happen? And then I realized something. Who cares? I don't care where I end up as long as I am happy along the way. Things will interest me, others will bore me. I need to stay happy and interested and think of life as a process and not a way to get to the finished project. There is no way that I can get through another semester, let alone 4, with the attitude that none of this information is of any use to me. It just won't work.
And just in case you were wondering, I have decided to start that novel finally. I'll fill you in as it progresses.
Peace.
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Ellen:
Just a thought or two on your current funk. First, you have admirable goals in wanting to feed the world and help others. I admire that. Your college education will give you the best shot at doing that on a level higher than working in a soup kitchen. Not knocking working in a soup kitchen, hope you know! First, you just might learn a thing or two in the next couple of years that will help you. Second, a college degree is probably the price of admission into the organizations which do just what you want to do (or at least into the upper levels where you can have meaningful influence). Also, think about taking classes or finding seminars in other related fields to what you want to do-perhaps business classes related to public service or running non-profits. Or something related to international trade. Hang in there! It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do at your age and in your situation. You will get there-just give it some time to work out!
Love,
Aaron
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